She is trying.
Earlier this week a story popped up on Facebook about Broadway actor Kelvin Moon Loh, and his reaction to an incident involving a boy with autism who was in the audience during a performance of “The King And I”. The story struck such a chord with me that I needed to put down the bag of chocolate chips and talk about it here on the blog.
You can read the story here, but the long and short of it is that the boy, who has autism, started making loud noises during one point during the show. Other audience members responded with glares, murmurs and requests for the mother and child to be removed from the audience. Loh took to Facebook to address this, and share how angry and sad he was at the way members of the audience acted towards the mother and her son.
In his post, Loh had this to say…
“Because what you didn’t see was a mother desperately trying to do just that. But her son was not compliant. What they didn’t see was a mother desperately pleading with her child as he gripped the railing refusing- yelping more out of defiance. I could not look away. I wanted to scream and stop the show and say- “EVERYONE RELAX. SHE IS TRYING. CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT SHE IS TRYING???!!!!”
“EVERYONE RELAX. SHE IS TRYING. CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT SHE IS TRYING???!!!!”
SHE IS TRYING.
That line hit me hard. As a mom, and as an autism mom.
SHE IS TRYING.
And you know what, there is a good chance she is also struggling.
I read about this while I was on vacation.
As great as vacation sounds, the reality is that vacation takes us out of our routine, and with a child who has autism, that can be hard. And at times, many of them actually, it was hard, at times it was sad, at times it was frustrating, and through all those times, I’m there, as a mom. Quite often failing. Quite often with other people looking on as my child acts out, melts down, doesn’t get social norms or how we should behave in public, or is just plain taking one of her many, daily, defiant stands. I see the looks, I hear the comments. As she gets older and bigger, it’s much harder, people’s opinions and expectations get tougher. But I AM TRYING.
While I certainly feel and live the challenges of of parenting a child with autism, ADHD, sensory processing disorder and oppositional defiant disorder, which can all result in some very disruptive and challenging behavioral issues, I think all of us, as moms, ARE TRYING.
We are trying to be good moms. We are trying to do what’s best for our kids. We are trying to be good wives, friends, daughters and sisters. We are trying to do our best at our job each day. We are trying to get dinner on the table, keep the house clean, stay on top of appointments, school, well checks, ear infections, budgets, and a million other things each day. WE ARE TRYING.
Yet we are also so quick to judge, to throw stones, to roll our eyes and murmur about what we see, just like in that theater. And often what we see is only a tiny piece of the story. We wonder where tweens and teens get their mean girl behavior from, yet fail to see that often the moms clubs have the highest number of card carrying mean girls. We cut each other, and ourselves, so little slack. We juggle more than we have probably ever juggled, and instead of being a village to each other, we are watching, waiting and commenting when someone else drops one, or all, of those balls we are hoping, trying and praying to keep in the air.
Often, when we might appear to be at our worst, our lowest, our most compromised, that is when WE ARE TRYING our hardest.
As Loh mentions in his post…
“For her to bring her child to the theater is brave. You don’t know what her life is like. Perhaps, they have great days where he can sit still and not make much noise because this is a rare occurrence. Perhaps she chooses to no longer live in fear, and refuses to compromise the experience of her child. Maybe she scouted the aisle seat for a very popular show in case such an episode would occur. She paid the same price to see the show as you did for her family. Her plan, as was yours, was to have an enjoyable afternoon at the theater and slowly her worst fears came true.”
So many days, we make those brave choices. And on many of those days, no matter how much we’ve planned, and no matter how hard we try, our fears come true. Things don’t go the way we hoped. That bravery we pulled up from deep down inside, is shot down, and we are left standing there figuring out what to do, how to pick up the pieces. And that’s the time when we need to lend each other a hand, not judge, point and whisper. We need to see that we are all trying, and maybe even try together.
As a special needs mom, I can tell you that without question, we sit out, and we miss out, on a lot of things. Often out of fear. Fear that I can’t control the situation for my child, fear for how she will handle it, fear for how I will handle it, and, always on my mind, fear for how we may impact those around us if things go south. We only eat out at odd hours, we never fly anywhere as a family, and we don’t go to the fun events and shows that we did with my oldest daughter. A big part of that is out of my concern for those around us.
My wanting to protect the experience of these people, that I don’t know and likely never will, just like those theater goers, very often trumps experiences my family could have. And this only leads to a more isolated life for my daughter and for my family, which benefits nobody. Well, maybe it benefits those diners who don’t have to listen to a meltdown over the wrong kind of pasta or the crayons not being the right kind in our local Red Robin. But is it really a benefit to us a whole to almost hide our children, so that other people don’t have to experience what many of us experience on a daily basis? To experience our lives?
That fear of things going wrong, and judging eyes being on you and your child, is a very real fear for many, as I’m certain it was for that mom in that theater. Some days it is really hard to TRY. But dammit, we need to fight the good fight, be brave and hope that when we try, others might see that. We need to try for our kids, and for ourselves. And when we are out there, we need to not only see that others are trying, we need to look for it. We need to assume that SHE IS TRYING. We need to have empathy and understand that she may also be struggling.
Special needs parents, and maybe even all parents, can feel very lonely and disconnected in this super plugged in, behind our screens, connected world. Maybe instead of seeing what goes wrong for someone, maybe we can TRY and see how we can connect with them. Maybe we can look at that child, mom or dad and instead of thinking, “wow, way to disrupt/ruin/impact this show/assembly/experience” we can think, “wow, SHE IS TRYING”.
The next time you are in the theater, on a plane, at a restaurant or at that school assembly, and a child starts acting up, acting out, or acting different, maybe the first thought that you have in response can be one of support, and one of seeing, that SHE, HE, WE… ARE TRYING. Maybe instead of offering judgement and dirty looks, we can offer a hand or a smile. And maybe we can always try to remember that… SHE IS TRYING.
Melissa says
Christi, I do not have a child with autism, but I do have one who sometimes says and does inappropriate things. At those times, I want to yell out, “I swear, I taught her not to do that!” I feel like people are judging me for my child’s behaviors, when I really have tried my best to teach her to behave in socially acceptable ways. I’m sure you feel the same way, and we all need to realize, as you said, that we are all trying! None of us are intentionally raising kids who misbehave. None of us are hoping that our kids yell or cry in church or at the theater or on a plane. Being a mom is HARD, for everybody. I totally agree with everything you have said here, and I pray for you, your daughter, and your family.
Lori @ RecipeGirl says
Hugs. That was a great post and one that was very brave to write. It probably feels a lot better to get all of that out, doesn’t it?? I worked with autistic kids as an intern in college, so I am able to empathize with situations like that which was described. People are funny about uncomfortable situations. A lot of people live in their happy little world and freak out when things are out of the ordinary. I applaud you for trying! Because that’s all you can do 🙂
alison blair stern says
You nailed it! What struck me in Loh’s letter was his recognition of how brave the mom is. Thank you for expanding upon this. As an Autism Mom who is further down the road, with a 17-year-old man/boy, I can tell you that I have surely earned my bravery badge, many times over. I don’t know exactly when it happened, but at some point the brave part transformed into sheer will to move my son forward, with an F-U kind of spirit to anyone who thought a glare or a smirk could somehow stop us on our mission to do so. Thank you for speaking on behalf of so many of us whose day to day is more of a strange trip sometimes than a routine. You have earned a new reader, fan, and admirer.
Christi says
Thank you so much Alison! I’m glad to hear that you have found your way. I feel like we are entering a transitional time, where we can no longer kind of “hide” with the toddlers (my girl is teeny tiny), so some of that grace that people are willing to extend for younger children is kind of drying up, and it’s a new experience. But every day is more experience, right? Thanks for sharing your experience and wisdom, it helps so much to learn from those who have traveled down this road. 🙂
Spring B. says
Yes, yes, and yes some more! Thank you for caring and being brave enough to write this. Bless you and your sweet family.
Zhenshchina says
While I do believe a child must be removed once he causes a disturbance, the way the angry crowd said “why would you bring a child like that to the theater?” is a gross way to go about it. If the mother was indeed doing her best to remove the child once he started to cause a disturbance, then that’s all I can expect from any parent in that situation. In that case, the audience should simply have been more patient.
The best thing we can do for now is to fund medical research into addressing possible treatments in the future, as well as research into understanding the causes. Epigenetics, (increasing average) parental age, and toxins are a worthy area to look into, especially. While the increase in autism may in part be due to more awareness, it does seem like it’s not the only factor, and that something truly is causing an increase.
Peabody (Culinary Concoctions by Peabody) says
Hang in there!
I will say Austin has only lived with me for 5 years but I have seen such improvements in him. When he was little he had MAJOR anger issues and sensory issues.
Back in the day my husband couldn’t even imagine my stepson going and having a life of his own. Yet next week he has his second to last IEP meeting and has a plan about being an intern and what he is going to do after high school.
He is bright, extremely polite, flexible (we never thought we would say that), tries new things (used to only eat the same three things over and over again). I pray you get the same sort of progress!
Amy @Very Culinary says
Beautiful.
Christi says
Thank you Amy.
Anita at Hungry Couple says
Thank you for sharing. Life is a big, messy, complicated thing and none of us know everything that goes on in somebody else’s life. Wouldn’t it be great if people could just open their minds to the possibility that a person is doing their best. <3
Christi says
Anita, I think you just summed it all up, let’s just assume people are doing their best, because I truly thing most people really are. That is one thing I am trying so hard to teach my daughters, there is always more to a story, there are always things you don’t know, so be gentle and give people the benefit of the doubt.
Mirtha says
You may not feel like one, but you are an inspiration.
I can’t say that i know exactly what you go through but I admire how much you TRY! My son does not have a disability or special need, but he is an active and atrong-willed boy who on occasion had a meltdown or was grumpy. And I felt judged. I felt he was being judged. As if children should never be grumpy and toddlers should be able to express themselves appropriately and calmy all the time. I tried to anticipate and avoid meltdowns but I didn’t always succeed.
Now I’m just dealing with a too-smart-for-his-own-good boy and puberty, which doesn’t mix well with a single working mom and pre-menopause.
Other than home and school, we spend our time at the baseball field, soccer field, ice rink, basketball court… I clean when I can and don’t invite anyone over who judges how untidy our house is. All I can do is try.
I read your posts and rejoice with every step forward your daughter takes. I smile as I see your oldest become such a beautiful young lady. And I take inspiration from you to keep trying.
Christi says
Oh Mirtha, I totally understand you. I have a too smart for her own good at that same place in life, and trust me, I hear you. Just switch out the dance studio for the baseball field, and I’m there, just like you are, and nope, our own hormones do not help the issue at all! 😉 Hang in there, and thank you so very much for your kind words. We can try, together.
Alice Bertaina says
You touched my heart so deeply, I feel so sad that people do not understand the emotional weight that parents have to carry every day when they are dealing with a mentally or physically challenged child. I send you wings of love and peace for you and your family.
Christi says
Alice, thank you so much for your kind words.